The second anniversary of the shootings and fire of my neighborhood came and went on January 19th…Many of the thin blue line walked with their families quietly around the neighborhood and park to remember their two fallen comrades, police officers Tiffany Enriquez and Kaulike Kalama who were murdered along with Lois Cain by my neighbor that day…

For me it was a day of reflection and I sat by the water’s edge, sitting in the sun, and watching the waves for several hours…

I am often asked if I have PTSD from that day…I never really thought about it, I guess I didn’t want to…I know my doggies have it because when they hear sirens, they start crying…I confess, I get a bit nervous when I hear them too…

I didn’t think I had it as I haven’t had nightmares or heavy depressions…That day I was so focused on keeping my dogs calm, trying to help the children in their house above, and filming the events in front of me that I thought I had escaped it all.
But I was wrong…I have realized that there are signs in me that I can’t explain…

I don’t sleep well anymore and often get up in the early mornings, usually beginning around 2 am and go to work…The good news is I am often done by 12 noon and it opens me up to do other things…

I also have become focused on getting my life in order…I have been purging, donating, and selling stuff…I closed my office after 36 years and moved everything to my home, and now I am redoing my will and setting up everything to protect me, my dogs, and friends in case something happens unexpectedly…

I have realized I am doing all this because the PTSD I have is that I think about death a lot…mine and others…I never did that before, but then after the murders and fire came the death of my beloved cat, Maili and two days later my brother Buddy died without warning the day after his 68th birthday…

With my brother, we were always at odds and he would drive me crazy with his views on politics and the world often droning on for hours…BUT he never forgot my birthday or Christmas or Easter…He always made sure to call me on my special days…even if it was four in the morning… AND he was so proud of me when I wrote my first book, “Untold Stories of a Real Estate Diva”, calling me up after he finished it and excited to tell me of his adventures in real estate in Arizona…

I never thought I would miss his diatribes or unchanging monotones, but I do…I think of him everyday and wish he was still around to argue with over dogmas…

So I guess in the end the PTSD that I have has taught and made me a better person…I now understand my priorities and know the ones I love both human and animal…I don’t waste my time any longer on toxic people and have removed them from my life… And PTSD has kicked my butt into getting things done…I often tell folks we have three chapters in our lives, the first 30 years to start your life, the second, to make your life, and the last from 60 on, to be your life…

I have started my last chapter and I am hoping it will be my best yet…I am exercising more, drinking less, and working on new goals…I now want to get to 90 with all my marbles because so few of us do, and when the Angels come, tell them…”Can you wait a couple more years…I have so much more to do and a few more monk seals, doggies, and kitties to save…”